Average

About a month ago I wrote a passage in my journal that was so real it hurt me and hurts me just to think about the truth in this statement. I am not special. I am average. I make average grades, do normal things, nothing about me draws you in, except the pure fact that I'm in your way. I'm competing with all other average people for the best job to make the most money purly instinctive survival. Only our survival is different if you go to college looking for something other that drugs and drinking than you and I are competing. The sad thing is that we are all average you might get better grades but I might be more determined I might be willing to go the extra mile and who knows who'll win. This idea that I am better than you is always false always will be false because no one cares about better all anyone knows is best. If your best than you don't have to argue about better.

College

I've spent a year in college and haven't touched this blog. I wonder maybe its time for me to forget it and move on or maybe I should just delete it. This life I've moved into adjusted to and figured out is sadly a lot like my old life. I thought if I could get out of the house away from what I used to be and start over things would be great. Sadly and fortunatly my family won't let go. Now every time I see them its oh thanks for coming beth. I want to scream at them I'm not Beth! its Bethany! or Rae. Rae the side of me that no one but myself yet sees. Rae the one who cries when I allow myself to be weak. Rae the strong one who kills the punching bag and allows me to fight back. But why are we always fighting ourselves? Why can we not be truly happy with the one thing we should know best of all which is ourself. The sad thing is no one ever sees themself clearly. I mean I am right now being a whiny depressed teenager and I can't stop allowing this weakness and fault to carry on while I am expressing my self to you. You being the no one that ever looks at this website. sigh life keeps moving and for me being nothing but normal.

Life

It moves it flows, it changes and with every change people must adjust well when one needs change they seek it and the other is kinda left in the old vision in the old times in the dream of the past. As if reality hasn't caught up to them as if the present hasn't hit yet like a bomb. Its just falling on them. I think for someone to move on like that it needs to be in necessity as if there is no other option which means I need to stop talking to said person and start ignoring and maybe they'll get it and start moving forward without looking back too much.

Agnostic

I refuse to become an atheist because lets face it who knows for sure? Nobody know for sure that god exists so why should I blind myself from the world by putting myself under a cloak of an idea of god? The idea that something like that could be in existence leads to the ideas of no choice or fate and destiny none of which is possible if god doesn't exist. The almighty power the power to control and kill and protect. sheesh even this sounds so messed up and fake and unreal how could everyone on this earth believe all of that its like a fairy tale.
But then again I can't outright say that there couldn't possibly be an atheist because there could be a muted power that no one knows about. That doesn't take part in the fairy tale of fate and does not over use the powers which only he can have.

Guess

I guess theres no getting over it the pain will always be nestled in the back corner of your mind forever and ever. No matter the hurt no matter how good life gets for you it apparantly doesn't matter the pain will fade but only because you learn to ignore it. Not because it hurts any less. Love is a fickle thing that always seems to want to slip away. I guess people never learn that a romantic beginning isn't enough. I guess you'll never truly know how another feels until its over until your guesses at the true thoughts and motives are as good as its going to get but nothing can keep the pain away or dull it any more than the confidence of the one that carries it.

Not Surprised

why must I be disappointed again and again. Who choses whats done to me and not. I swear if its fate it can have it my life my soul everything take me away allow my mind to be tricked into believing that everything is happy. My life is perfect when perfection is fake as is happiness and love. I think and believe I am in love but disappointment is right around the corner as is another tragic tale of heart break and death. Death of something that lets face it never truly existed....love.

Change

What I have to realize or what all people have to realize is that change is a scary and beautiful thing it hurts but then everything gets better. During the hurt and the pain you learn what you did wrong what could have been done to stop the inevitable happening of change but since its happened there is no way and no reason to dwell on what happened cause its over. Its time for things to move on and do what life does best change. As much as we wish it we could only come to this realization after the change has happened while we are still hanging on to the last hope that things can return and go back to the way things were the first time around. But no one can turn back time it just doesn't work that way.