Scared

I know this is odd. But I'm terrified that I'm doing everything wrong, that I won't be able to slow myself down that my life has whipped out of control and no I'm not on any drugs. But I think that would make it ten hundred times worse. I'm very proud to tell you that I have never done any sort of drugs in my entire life. But this is much worse more like the feeling I get whenever I touch him is basically all I want is more! A lot more and I need to slow down cause I also want to be loved.

Suicide

I've never really thought that I could kill myself. I know its wrong and supposedly you go to hell. But the curse I'm under is obviously not working. I hate being loved yet I crave it. I'd willingly smash the walls of what I know for someone knew to love and to hold and pretend that they love me until they really do. And then what start over? I hate starting over. But I'm good at it. I know what I like now I can find it. When the previous one doesn 't leap off the track though what then do I hurt them more by saying no? Do I pretend that I'm happy so that they are satisfied. I am not satisfied with a lie. I am not satisfied with a screen full of empty "I love you" 's. The curse will always be upon me cause as I find to be more and more true the curse is only a mask of me. So why then should I continue a life that is false, made up, wrong, and unhealthy for what the happiness of my soul? Why not just end ....the life that never truly existed.

Confused

I love and hate life! I hate being so confused by life that it doesn't matter. All I've been told is do what makes you happy. But to do what I believe will make me happy, will tear my soul to peices. I'm not sure I can do that. I'm not sure how much I can handle. I love life when I'm as happy as I've been these last few days. I can't even begin to tell you. Thats the confusing thing. Would I be as happy if I decided not to tear apart my soul? I think not.

Follow your heart is another comment I've gotten. My heart that is constantly confused by my mind. I think logically sometimes and now I'm cursing that logic. Its frustrating how many times do I need to be confused by the logic or nonlogic of my head. My heart that otherwise is also torn apart and trashed is absolutly glowing or has been when I stop thinking about what I'm doing and what this happiness means.

Its awful when I realize I wouldn't only be hurting myself but also one I love.

Soul, facades, masks to hide the truth

Does anyone but me find that your soul has many faces. Mine does I have at least three facades.
1) This facade or is it releasing the only mask that I never have an oppurtunity to show. The one that torments me, hurts me, and wallows in the darkness seeking out new ways to turn on me.
2) My everyday self which at the beginning of my college experience is changing a lot.
3) The one I provide for my family. Which isn't horribly different from my everyday self but just enough to bug me and make me feel sad.

I absolutly despise how many faces every person has. I hate pretending to be me when thats not really who I am just the way people thought I was. I just feel like screaming People Change! Everything Changes.

My Body

I know it is bad but all I want is to destroy, cut, and hurt. The worst part is that i only want to turn this evil on myself. Because I've always been taught that I deserve nothing better.

The word deserve holds a lot of meaning in my life. I deserve nothing better than what I've got, nor anything ever. A guy once told me that I deserve better, but better than what? He said better than him. That statement I truly cannot believe because I had never dreamed that I even deserved what I've already had.

I never know if I should tell people with the current facade about me, I mean what happened. i hate being pitied so I tend to just keep it to myself. But I am going to say it here and now and annouce it to whoever gives enought to read what I've written. I was raped at the age of 15. I blame it on me, mostly. I knew he was dangerous and scary and that I should stay away from him but that only made me want to hang out with him more. After it happened and I meditated on it I began to understand why me? Its because I was innocent and pretty. And I walked calmly into hands that would destroy me.

Why continued

I know this blog doesn't seem very dark or scary to you. i have only begun to let loose this monster, the destructive, evilness of my core. My facade is only beginning to leave me as I think of what to write next.

Cheerful Lines Leading to My Impending Doom!

1) Life Hates Me!
2) God hates me or better yet God doesn't exist.
3) I'm beautiful yet that beauty has cursed me.
4) The curse has found a way to constantly torment my soul
5) I deserve nothing I am what others made me into, my soul has been turned into only what they gave me.
6) My rainbow is bleak and gray, all my colors have been driven away, the sun is dashed behind a cloud, I show only what colors I have left.

Why

I made this blog for a reason though I can't remember it now. I call it the blind side of me. Cause part of me know exactly what I want, where I'm going with my life, and everything my heart desires. Then there is a sneaking suspicion tha not all things are set in stone. That my life isn't as perfect as my other side lets everyone including myself believe. That facade will not be on this website only the mask that is forever hidden from the rest of the world, even from me.