Average

About a month ago I wrote a passage in my journal that was so real it hurt me and hurts me just to think about the truth in this statement. I am not special. I am average. I make average grades, do normal things, nothing about me draws you in, except the pure fact that I'm in your way. I'm competing with all other average people for the best job to make the most money purly instinctive survival. Only our survival is different if you go to college looking for something other that drugs and drinking than you and I are competing. The sad thing is that we are all average you might get better grades but I might be more determined I might be willing to go the extra mile and who knows who'll win. This idea that I am better than you is always false always will be false because no one cares about better all anyone knows is best. If your best than you don't have to argue about better.

College

I've spent a year in college and haven't touched this blog. I wonder maybe its time for me to forget it and move on or maybe I should just delete it. This life I've moved into adjusted to and figured out is sadly a lot like my old life. I thought if I could get out of the house away from what I used to be and start over things would be great. Sadly and fortunatly my family won't let go. Now every time I see them its oh thanks for coming beth. I want to scream at them I'm not Beth! its Bethany! or Rae. Rae the side of me that no one but myself yet sees. Rae the one who cries when I allow myself to be weak. Rae the strong one who kills the punching bag and allows me to fight back. But why are we always fighting ourselves? Why can we not be truly happy with the one thing we should know best of all which is ourself. The sad thing is no one ever sees themself clearly. I mean I am right now being a whiny depressed teenager and I can't stop allowing this weakness and fault to carry on while I am expressing my self to you. You being the no one that ever looks at this website. sigh life keeps moving and for me being nothing but normal.