Suicide

I've never really thought that I could kill myself. I know its wrong and supposedly you go to hell. But the curse I'm under is obviously not working. I hate being loved yet I crave it. I'd willingly smash the walls of what I know for someone knew to love and to hold and pretend that they love me until they really do. And then what start over? I hate starting over. But I'm good at it. I know what I like now I can find it. When the previous one doesn 't leap off the track though what then do I hurt them more by saying no? Do I pretend that I'm happy so that they are satisfied. I am not satisfied with a lie. I am not satisfied with a screen full of empty "I love you" 's. The curse will always be upon me cause as I find to be more and more true the curse is only a mask of me. So why then should I continue a life that is false, made up, wrong, and unhealthy for what the happiness of my soul? Why not just end ....the life that never truly existed.