Guess

I guess theres no getting over it the pain will always be nestled in the back corner of your mind forever and ever. No matter the hurt no matter how good life gets for you it apparantly doesn't matter the pain will fade but only because you learn to ignore it. Not because it hurts any less. Love is a fickle thing that always seems to want to slip away. I guess people never learn that a romantic beginning isn't enough. I guess you'll never truly know how another feels until its over until your guesses at the true thoughts and motives are as good as its going to get but nothing can keep the pain away or dull it any more than the confidence of the one that carries it.

Not Surprised

why must I be disappointed again and again. Who choses whats done to me and not. I swear if its fate it can have it my life my soul everything take me away allow my mind to be tricked into believing that everything is happy. My life is perfect when perfection is fake as is happiness and love. I think and believe I am in love but disappointment is right around the corner as is another tragic tale of heart break and death. Death of something that lets face it never truly existed....love.

Change

What I have to realize or what all people have to realize is that change is a scary and beautiful thing it hurts but then everything gets better. During the hurt and the pain you learn what you did wrong what could have been done to stop the inevitable happening of change but since its happened there is no way and no reason to dwell on what happened cause its over. Its time for things to move on and do what life does best change. As much as we wish it we could only come to this realization after the change has happened while we are still hanging on to the last hope that things can return and go back to the way things were the first time around. But no one can turn back time it just doesn't work that way.

I wish

I wish I could speak always of things that make other people happy. That I could make other people happy at all times. But I also understand that happiness always isn't true happiness then its just contentment. So why must we live through the hurt and the hate when happiness is just a myth that comes and goes. Its never truly there. Never actually stays its just a ghost... like hope. Thats always a dream of a thing waiting there pretending that it actually exist but never truly shows itself to you only disappears just before you think you have it. You realize the fun and the closest thing you'd ever get to happiness was in the reach to get it. The journey to the castle, the life that you once had.

Scared

I know this is odd. But I'm terrified that I'm doing everything wrong, that I won't be able to slow myself down that my life has whipped out of control and no I'm not on any drugs. But I think that would make it ten hundred times worse. I'm very proud to tell you that I have never done any sort of drugs in my entire life. But this is much worse more like the feeling I get whenever I touch him is basically all I want is more! A lot more and I need to slow down cause I also want to be loved.

Suicide

I've never really thought that I could kill myself. I know its wrong and supposedly you go to hell. But the curse I'm under is obviously not working. I hate being loved yet I crave it. I'd willingly smash the walls of what I know for someone knew to love and to hold and pretend that they love me until they really do. And then what start over? I hate starting over. But I'm good at it. I know what I like now I can find it. When the previous one doesn 't leap off the track though what then do I hurt them more by saying no? Do I pretend that I'm happy so that they are satisfied. I am not satisfied with a lie. I am not satisfied with a screen full of empty "I love you" 's. The curse will always be upon me cause as I find to be more and more true the curse is only a mask of me. So why then should I continue a life that is false, made up, wrong, and unhealthy for what the happiness of my soul? Why not just end ....the life that never truly existed.

Confused

I love and hate life! I hate being so confused by life that it doesn't matter. All I've been told is do what makes you happy. But to do what I believe will make me happy, will tear my soul to peices. I'm not sure I can do that. I'm not sure how much I can handle. I love life when I'm as happy as I've been these last few days. I can't even begin to tell you. Thats the confusing thing. Would I be as happy if I decided not to tear apart my soul? I think not.

Follow your heart is another comment I've gotten. My heart that is constantly confused by my mind. I think logically sometimes and now I'm cursing that logic. Its frustrating how many times do I need to be confused by the logic or nonlogic of my head. My heart that otherwise is also torn apart and trashed is absolutly glowing or has been when I stop thinking about what I'm doing and what this happiness means.

Its awful when I realize I wouldn't only be hurting myself but also one I love.